I have had nothing to say lately. I suppose it doesn’t matter much, though, anyway.
I simultaneously love and hate the Internet. Such a good tool in the quest for knowledge, although sometimes you read and see things you can’t un-read or un-see. *shudder* I hate feeling disquieted. And it makes me feel like shutting it off forever, and wishing it had never existed. But then, on the other hand, I will sometimes see or read something inspiring, or that motivates me, enlightens me, or gets me just to thinking. And that can be good.
There are also the marketing aspects of it. I simultaneously love and hate those too. Good for visibility to a massive audience of prospective customers, but I hate the time-eating aspect of having to promote constantly, or get lost in the immense sea of competition. And it is amazingly immense….dauntingly so, sometimes. I start to feel a little stressed by that, and overwhelmed, and my confidence slides sometimes to the point I want to quit trying, and just make stuff for myself. So I do….for a little while. Put the shop on vacation. Make myself something nice and pretty, and personalized. Then start wondering if it would sell, and then make two, and start all over again on that roller coaster of having to be on the time-suck Internet for hours on end promoting it. Then start resenting the time-eating monster all over again.
Whilst on the Internet doing business stuff….side distractions invariably happen, like this blog, yeah, and a few other sites I daily hang out at, and pretty soon…BAM. Where did those 3 hours go I can now never get back? And pretty soon all those hours add up, and BAM…where did that year of accumulated time spent on my a$$ not doing anything productive go? ugh. It makes me feel sad, crappy, regretful, and useless, and still, I will sit here in front of the box, and think about all I should be doing other than being sucked into the vortex. And then I write about it, apparently, also, instead of just being reactive to the thoughts. And then I hate it all over again, but still can’t stay away. Because I need it for business reasons, and feeling of isolation reasons, urge to write and expression reasons, and thirst for knowledge and inspiration reasons.
Still, it always has a somewhat underlying sinister feel to it. I get a sort of deeply felt instinctual feeling, that this “spider’s web”(perfect name for it…’web’…since it is a sort of trap), is ultimately vampiric in nature. Sucking the life force out of humanity. A vulnerability inducing feeling to it. A feeling of disconnect to the actual real world. Especially when I see people who can’t leave their phones alone. Ever. Stuck to the screen, even when they are face to face with others, or on vacation in a beautiful place. At least I am not that far gone. But when I see that kind of thing, I long to shut it off completely, and I wonder why I am even here writing this babble. For what? To resonate, to connect?…which just makes the disconnect feeling ironic and paradoxical. Maybe I am just getting old. Maybe because my generation still remembers what it was like to only be able to connect with the physical presence of people and places…. limited, yeah, probably, by most people’s thoughts about it today…but also more like feeling grounded in reality, rather than a feeling of floating off into the eternity of the aether, and losing sight of the ground….
*sigh* I think I’ll go make some art now.