And then I cry some more…

I’m missing my Mum a lot lately. 😦 I don’t know why, exactly. Just little things will remind me of her, and I will need a good cry. Plus I dream about her a lot, too. She is always how I remember her in her 50s and 60s, in those dreams. Inevitably, I always remember she is dead, before I wake up. And I have the damn things close to the time I wake up, so they are nice and fresh in my mind, when I open my eyes. So I lay there for a few minutes. And have a cry. Maybe I am missing her bad lately because at Easter break every year, we would go down for a visit and stay a few days. Have a nice baked ham, of which she would always cook for us, even when it wasn’t a holiday, just because the boys liked it. I made a baked ham last week. And had a cry. Then there is Summer coming up, too. No annual trip there, at the end of June, either. Now the house I grew up in, and loved to visit, is this big empty thing full of stuff nobody uses anymore, and memories that seem almost tangible in their vividness, and ache. Every time I walk in, I think I will see her sitting in her favourite chair in her kitchen, having coffee and watching some game show, or a baseball game on TV. I find it so hard to be there, but this Easter break, we are going to start the daunting and very overwhelming task of packing it up, and getting it ready to sell. My Dad, being in a nursing home now, thinks it is a good idea, since he will never live there again, and renting it out would likely just devalue it. Packing up their dishes, and crystal, and odds and ends is bad enough, but then there are things like photographs, and their clothes, toiletries, beds, and all the little knick knacks I knew my mother was fond of. Her vitamins, her knitting, her word search puzzle books, the soft blanket I gave her for the last Christmas she was at home….

I often sit and wonder….How will I ever cope with the enormity of it? How will I possibly be able to deal with packing up their lives? What will I do with it all?

And then I cry some more….. 😥

What the heck just happened?!

That was my thought, as I read a certain part of book #3, A Storm of Swords. A gasp. A cry out. A disbelief. “NOOOOOOOOO!!!”, I wailed. I got weird looks from those around me. Methinks I get a wee bit involved in what I am reading. 😛

But then, I love books that can elicit such an emotional response in me. Whether it good or bad. It is then, that I know I have been completely, and immeasurably immersed, in another world. I have been on another plane of existence. I escaped reality, and was part of it…feeling it, absorbing it, living it…. it is visceral. It is what reading should be…..

deja vu

Reconnecting with old friends. I needed that. 🙂 I get to feeling so isolated, and what is weird is that I was just thinking, the very morning that I found out, about how much I missed the camaraderie. I haven’t been able to find it again anywhere else. Being that particular side of myself again. Being des. oh wait. I am here too, just called a different someone. ;P

But here, I feel like I am on my own little, somewhat secluded, island, where I talk largely to myself. Sometimes I like it, sometimes it frustrates me. Today, I reconnected. With old friends, with old memories, with myself in some ways….

Such deja vu. But now it is a fresh new landscape in other ways….this time coming with a manual of past experience, as a guide….

Yeah, I’m a cryptic sort. 😉 heh.