Power Smoothie

With little appetite over the last few months, I have been drinking a lot of my calories in the form of smoothies. When I wasn’t home, I had lunch and dinner at Booster Juice a lot. Since there isn’t one close to where I live, I made up my own blend. Lots of good stuff in them, and they keep me going when solid food holds little appeal for me. Thought I would share….why not.

I use a single serve mini blender, so I only know the ingredient amounts for one. Love that thing, btw. Just blend it, pull it off the base, stick a straw in it. Nice.

1/2 cup frozen superfruit berry blend

1 banana

1 single serve container of probiotic yogurt-any flavour will do, but peach/mango is super yummy in it!

about 1.5 cups of almond milk ( I am not sure of the amount because I just fill the thing 3/4 full with it. Probably a good guess though.)

1.5 tsp hemp seeds (for protein, omegas, vitamins, minerals, fibre, and energy!)

1tsp coconut sugar (or brown sugar would work, or honey, or none if you prefer, but I think it takes out the sourness from the berries a bit)

handful of fresh spinach

zap. done. enjoy.

I have one right now. 🙂

Not my pic, but I included the link to where I found it. Looks yummy!

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Out Of Body

Is this coping? I suppose it is, but I feel somewhat odd. The first week had a few crying spells, but mostly I felt very numb and robotic. There were things to do. Things to take care of. Then the event itself. I got through it, all without any major emotional breakdowns. It was weird. I felt a bit out of body then. Out of sorts. Wired funny. But I had tasks that only I could get done, so I had to just step up to them. I thought I would cry on the way back to where we were staying after it was all done. It trickled a bit. Still no breakdown. That night I slept fitful. Insomnia. Drifting dreams, so I must have dozed, at least. My youngest had nightmares. I sat up with him. Got to sleep finally at 4:30am. Slept till 10. Got up, and got on with that day. We were still not home, and there were things to be done. Did them. Robot mode still. Drove home. I tried to read, and I couldn’t. I can’t concentrate on my books for hours like I did. One escape route blocked. It makes me feel frustrated. I NEED my books!! I can manage to concentrate on word games though, weirdly enough. Timed ones, at that. I zone out….

Sunday, I woke up after a 15 hour sleep. I didn’t even take a sleep aid the night before. I woke up like I never slept. So weary. So teary. This day….one week after the fact….I finally wept. And couldn’t seem to stop. So I slept. Most of the day I felt weak, exhausted, and so profoundly sad.

Monday, yesterday, I felt a bit more normal. The routine of getting ready for school helped. I tackled my massive mountain of laundry finally. I didn’t feel like cooking, so I made chicken pies. The frozen kind. My mom loved those this last year because they were an easy thing to make for herself. The stupid pies made me cry. Then I was ok for a while again.

For the last few days I have been weird. Even to myself. I feel like I am another person, or something. Very me in the things I still do, but in overdrive (like Olivia and Olivia…if you watch Fringe you get that). Gorging on things that gave me joy before. Trying very hard to derive some out of them. Marathons of “Fringe”on Netflix….one of my favourite shows, watched again for the second time, but they all feel new again. Episode after episode. Then there are the X-Men marathons in between. And music….but not mellow anything. Loud, and rebellious stuff. Lots of Zeppelin, and AC/DC. Trying to drown out feeling anything close to mellow, or thoughtful. Because I dread…or KNOW on some innate level…that if I play the softer stuff, I will drift somewhere I don’t want to be. I will fall into the abyss of deep sadness.

I have been doing other wacky things all week….for instance, I dyed my hair a deep dark cherry red. On a whim. It has been that color before, but I was really liking the blonde/honey brown ombre I had it all summer. I liked the red for a day. Then I hated it for a few days. Now I kind of like it again, although I still miss the blonde. I seem to be just doing random things. I sat down for 6 hours the day before the funeral, and forged myself a steel wire necklace and bracelet. 6 hours straight. My fingers hurt from doing it. Not beading, but wirework….so I could hammer. Let out frustration, and who knows what else. I also needed to feel accomplished, maybe. And I did. I haven’t made any jewelry since I shut my shop down in April. It felt good. Even if I did do it in a strange robotic way.

I don’t know how to feel a lot of the day. I feel the tears brewing just below the surface constantly. I don’t WANT to cry ALL the time. So I distract myself, I suppose. I didn’t feel like cooking all last week or the last couple of days. Today…I made my homemade baked mac & cheese, and my Mom’s baked/steamed chicken….both are favourites of the boys, and of mine. I just had a craving for both. Comfort food, no doubt. But I felt this weird energetic compulsion to cook. I don’t know how much I will be able to eat, since my appetite is near zero these days. I eat because I have to. I saw what happened when my Mom wouldn’t/couldn’t eat anymore. So I make myself. I barely taste anymore, though…

I feel body snatched. Who is this person? Quick to anger, too. I hate that. Then I feel crappy that I snapped at whoever and apologize profusely. Then cry. Then am alright for a while. Some days I want to sleep all day, others….can’t get enough activity. I suppose it is all normal, on some level. It is grieving. Everyone handles it differently. I have never lost a parent before. Nobody knows how they will handle it, until it actually happens. You can imagine all you want, but it is never enough. Nothing can prepare you….really. She was ill a LONG time, and I knew it was coming, like a train track missing over a ravine, and you know it is there, but the train is a runaway, and you can’t get off. I have used that analogy before. It applies to a few things in life, methinks…..

Rambling on. I know. I feel so dazed and spaced out most of the time. Like I’m not really here. Writing it out was another manifestation I was feeling compelled to do.

Now that it is done, and the words out of my brain…maybe I can finally read again. Or at least finish the next 4 seasons of Fringe within the week, if not….. 😐

Living In My Own Little Realm of Giggly Strangeness

I am…. a wee bit weird.

Yes, it is true.

A total geek grrl, too….

And only those who adore Thor

Will find the next little tale

Funny without fail….

And yes, it is also a fact,

That I am a poet,

And completely know it.

 *giggles* that was so bad! 

So, anyway, that was off the cuff, as I sat down to write about my weird little geeky grrl self, and the thing that made me giggle and smile this morning. Since those two things are sometimes rare for me to find in daily life, these days, with so much heaviness weighing on my mind lately, I embraced it.

First off… I name my vehicles. I probably got this from my mother, who also did that. I remember her little Volkswagon “Julius” and our Toyota Corolla in the 70s she named “Lisa” for whatever reason. Anyway, the boys love my weirdness, and just jump on my bandwagon lol. We have a snow white van, and snow white truck. The van, the boys and I dubbed “Snowflake”, for obvious reasons, , and the truck that came along 3 years later, “Frost”. I know…we are soooo original! hahaha!

Today, we were in the van backing down the driveway, on the way to school, and we were passing the truck sitting there. I mentioned to them that it was going into a body shop today to have it’s hail damage dings fixed. So, I naturally said….because naturally I also talk to my vehicles like they were people …..  I said “Bye, Frost”. Then it hit me…

Bye Frost. Bifrost. 

  

For those not getting it…. well….watch Thor, I guess. 

“The Bifröst Bridge is a magic rainbow bridge in Asgard guarded by the warrior Heimdall, the omniscent god. It’s a link between all the Nine Realms of the Norse cosmos, but can be opened only if Heimdall permits it: the bridge is in fact much too powerful, and it would destroy all realms if left opened. ” http://marvel-movies.wikia.com/wiki/Bifrost_Bridge

The boys got it. Of course. They so get ME. bahahaha! 

Girl From Mars

Right now I am reading the novel, “Mars” by Ben Bova. It has so far captured my imagination, even though I am barely into it yet. Because it has to do with Mars! A good hard sci-fi read about that intriguing rust-colored world just beyond us.

I don’t really know what it is exactly, about the Red Planet, that so fascinates me, but it does…deeply. It draws me to it. In an eerily compelling way. Every movie about it, every book about it, every image of it, ESPECIALLY the real ones sent back by the probes like Curiosity, I revel in.

Ever since I was a little kid, Mars has captured my imagination. I look for it in the night sky often. I imagine what it might have been like a billion years ago. Did it resemble Earth? Was there, is there, life there? Questions that intrigue lots of people, I suppose.

It is just cold, dusty, and barren. So what is it? What is the draw? Intensely beautiful and mysterious, it holds some secrets….of that I am convinced.

High-Resolution Self-Portrait by Curiosity Rover Arm Camera…click on image to go to Nasa’s awesome JPL website!

Lifting The Curtain

LIFTING THE CURTAIN

I cannot wait to take in the sunshine

Bathe in its radiance

Warm and content;

Shedding the cold days

And sleepless nights;

Finding the joy again,

Instead of constantly waiting for

The next heavy shoe to drop.

©WD (sapphyreskye) October 14, 2014

When the moon is in the Seventh House

And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius

Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derision
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind’s true liberation
Aquarius!

Oh, let it shine, common
Now everybody just sing along
Let the sun shine in.

Open up your heart and let it shine on in
When you are lonely, let it shine on
Got to open up your heart and let it shine on in
And when you feel like you’ve been mistreated
And your friends turn away
Just open your heart, and shine it on in